Six injured in Tottenham’s first Pitbull Run
At least six people were injured during the Pitbull Run in the inaugural Tottenham riot festival. The injuries appeared to be fairly minor, although one man told reporters that he is unlikely to be...
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Latest security breach sees theft of entire Olympic Village
The entire Olympic Village was stolen from East London last night, prompting further concerns over the security of the Games. Despite being guarded by a substantial number of highly trained A-level...
View ArticleHomegrown terrorists ‘distracted by Team GB success‘
In a video released earlier this week, a spokesman for the UK-based Islamic Jihadi Brotherhood assured the British public that ‘the infidels will burn and the streets will flow with the blood of the...
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Olympics fan sets new record for collecting Sunday papers from newsagent
Inspired by the feats of the world’s elite athletes, a Carshalton man has shaved a full minute off his personal best for collecting the Sunday papers. Michael Owen Sanders – who acquired his name by...
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We want the ‘old you’ back – An open letter to Britain
Dear Britain, Firstly, thank you and well done on a spectacular Olympic Games. You have done yourselves proud. You have shown a level of organisation Hitler would have been proud of, and although many...
View ArticleGenuine 2012 Olympics to begin later this week in Paris
With 29 gold medals, praise from the international community and Australia finishing down in 10th on the medal table, many thought the Olympic Games were too good to be true. Well now it turns out they...
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Athlete with two artificial legs ‘was actually a horse’
An athlete has today been banned from competing in the Paralympic Games after medical experts became suspicious of his claim to have two artificial legs when photographic evidence showed he still had...
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Dazzling reshuffle marks start of Coalition closing ceremony
The closing ceremony of the 2010 Coalition government has been held at the Olympic Park in London, after a dazzling display of choreographed reshuffling by 25 volunteers last week. Creative director...
View ArticleParallel universe 2016 explains what went wrong
The year 2016 has re-emerged from a parallel universe where it has been in an induced coma since 9 January and apologised for everything that has gone wrong in his absence. He also offered to reinstate...
View ArticleUK Government lobbies for fly-tipping to become an Olympic sport
In a surprise post-Brexit move Ministers from the Department of Culture, Media and Sport have lobbied the Olympic Committee to introduce fly-tipping into the Olympic Games from 2030. A spokesman...
View ArticleTom Daley wins Gold in Synchronized Tube Station Diving
Tom Daley has added to his medal haul with an exceptional performance in London’s submerged, rat-infested tube stations. The British aquatic sport’s poster boy excelled in the brand new event that was...
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