An athlete has today been banned from competing in the Paralympic Games after medical experts became suspicious of his claim to have two artificial legs when photographic evidence showed he still had two legs of his own.
‘Upon analysis of Mr Strang’s application to compete in the Paralympics, it became clear that not only were his ‘artificial’ legs in addition to the two functioning legs he already possessed, but that there were very real concerns about whether these legs were artificial at all,’ said a spokeswoman for the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF). ‘Further tests confirmed that the ‘artificial’ limbs were in fact real legs – Mr Strang’s third and fourth – and on that basis we have had to ban him for testing positive for performance enhancing legs. Plus we are also pretty sure he is a horse.’
Officials in the sport had long voiced suspicions about controversial distance runner Paul Strang. ‘We had heard rumours of drug abuse, with sources suggesting he was taking grass, but when we questioned him about it he’d only answer our questions by stamping his front foot on the ground. Also, when I tried to collect a urine sample from him, I was left feeling, er, somewhat inadequate. That’s when I began to think something was up.’
Other athletics observers had noted Strang’s unusual habit of defecating prolifically while running around the track, and his idiosyncratic decision to eschew the usual lightweight running spikes in favour of a more robust, semi-circular iron shoe. He also often competed wearing a nosebag, and although he had passed tests for steroids, he failed a straw poll.
But Strang’s agent has angrily defended him. ‘This is discrimination on the grounds of disability,’ he said. ‘My client has the recognised medical conditions of quadropedia and equine dysmorphia. Anyway, you have athletes with missing legs running in the games, so why not athletes with extra ones? And a tail?’
Sadly there have also been other cases of athletes attempting to bend the rules. A tall Latvian with a neck deformity and widely tipped to triumph in the high jump was recently revealed to be a giraffe, while a tiny Turkish swimmer with the ability to hold her breath for minutes at a time underwater turned out to be a carp.
apepper